The Well-Read Wife


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Kiki Overthinks Every Thing
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Kiki Overthinks Every Thing
April 27, 2006
I Lost 30 Pounds But I'm Still Fat
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Body Image and Mo'Nique's F.A.T. Chance
Vote For Me for Mo'Nique's F.A.T. Chance Viewers' Choice Award!

In the middle of my post-adoption depression in September '05, I developed an exaggerated case of self-hatred not experienced by moi since my first miscarriage in the summer of 2000. I hated every ounce of the 213 pounds I was carrying. I decided that my life was absolute shit but I could change one thing--my weight. A month after this depression-fueled realization, I joined Weight Watchers. Surprisingly, I adhered pretty strictly to their flex points program. I faltered a bit, but each week I was losing ounces. After six weeks on the program, I had lost nearly ten pounds. By February 2006 (after 4 months) I had lost close to 25 pounds. I was fitting into skinny clothes.

Wait...let me define skinny clothes for you. I was no longer wearing a size 22W which can only be bought in plus-size clothing stores like Lane Bryant, the Avenue, and Ashley Stewart. I was now fitting into a size 18, which are clothing sizes sold in more traditional Missy-sized clothing stores like Old Navy and the Gap. I blew my portion of my income tax return on updating my wardrobe in a size 18. I suddenly felt sexy again. What's ironic is that in 1995 when I was a size 18, I felt like a big ol' slob. Now, I rejoice at being an 18 again.

Now that my current Weight Watchers subscription is coming to an end and I'm choosing not to renew, I'm petrified of going above 200 pounds again. I'm afraid of being a size 22W. I've received so many compliments from my family, friends, co-workers, and myself. To gain back any portion of the weight I lost is to have wasted money on the subscription to WW in the first place. It is to waste money I spent on the new clothes and the tailoring of old clothes. To gain back any portion of the weight over five pounds is to fail. In my mind, it is To be a failure.

So, I've decided to go back to my self-esteem, love-yourself-no-matter-the-size books and to start being a plus-size advocate for myself and others again. (In 2000, I even created the website Rocki's Hips and Curves Appreciation Page to celebrate plus-sized and real-sized celebrities.)Right now, I'm knee deep in a wonderful book by Jessica Weiner called "Do I Look Fat in This: Life Doesn't Begin 5 Pounds From Now."

I will also be pulling out my old favorite that helped me build self-confidence and acceptance of my larger body the first time I was a size 18. It is called "Self-Esteem Comes in All Sizes" by Carol Johnson. This book literally saved my life for quite a while.

I'm also going to start rereading my erotica and romance collection featuring plus-sized protagonists. I'm hoping that I will be able to provide a preemptive strike against any self-hating feelings that might develop if I gain any of the weight back. Although I believe in positive faithand positive thinking, it seems incredibly selfish to ask for the Lord's help in maintaining weight loss when there's war and famine to conquer. I am hoping that I will not care about my weight either way by the time my daughter will be old enough to pick up on any of my negative body vibes. Of all the ways I could WFF her up, I hope this body hatred thing is not one of them.


Most of the women in the United States are a size 14 or above. This means, according to fashion standards, more than 50% of the female population the U.S. are plus-sized. Logic dictates that the skinny-skinny women should be envying the majority and not the fat chicks envying the minority. To show the world that big women are beautiful, sexy, and confident, Mo'Nique has created a reality television/beauty pageant for fat girls. It is called Mo'Nique's F.A.T. Chance and will be airing on the Oxygen network this July. I'm supporting it wholeheartedly because I'm hoping one ounce of these women's self acceptance will rub off on me.

Check out the Dangerous Curves Tour near you and support plus-size beauty.

Vote For Me!

Posted by Kiki Shoes at 1:12 AM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: April 28, 2006 10:22 PM EDT

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