The Well-Read Wife


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Kiki Overthinks Every Thing
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Kiki Overthinks Every Thing
October 22, 2005
All I Need Is Jesus, Antidepressants, and a Good Book
Mood:  special
Now Playing: Depression
Yesterday, I felt better than I have felt in nearly three months. In July, I had stopped taking my anti-depressants after nearly four years of use. I thought I finally had a grip on my depression, because I had the two things I really worked hard to achieve: a position as a youth services librarian and a baby to call my own. However, the stress of those two things pushed me near the edge.

Throughout August, I kept fooling myself about falling into yet another depression. To people looking at me from the outside, I am the same person. I'm just as loud, gregarious, well-groomed, and fun as I always was. But on the inside I didn't feel quite right. I could feel myself being swallowed up by the stress of life--mainly caring for my baby and working with children. I couldn't sleep and my temper was horrible. Eating was a drug of distraction and calming. Then one night, I was watching Metallica's documentary Some Kind of Monster (really good flick, by the way) and downing a really good bottle of red wine (which I normally hate) and my soul went black. Pills, knife, suffocation, or running out into traffic.

It was time to see my faithful psychiatrist again. It was time to get straight again. Anti-depressants may be over prescribed in this country. Womenmay be over diagnosed as being depressed. But I tell you, I need anti-depressants. I don't like being in that black hole of despair or having that feeling of wanting to rip off my skin to feel something else beside bleak empty sadness. Today, I feel better. I can love and care for my daughter as I want. I take her crying in stride now. It's what babies do. I love her little smile, her little fingers snatching the glasses off my face, and the way she grabs my face and blows drool up my nose. It's gross but I love it.

I also have God and Jesus. I like them guys. I love them guys. To me, they're two people--the father and the son. I talk to them, and I believe they listen. I watch certain evangelists on television. Sometimes their words are soothing. I like Joel Osteen's parable approach to preaching. I like how Joyce Meyers encourages people to change for the better with God's help. I like T.D. Jakes because he moves my spirit. I don't know if they're charlatans are not, but they inspire. They help me in connecting with my God.

I've also been reading some good books. My first foray in JUDY BLUME'S children's and Young Adult literature has been very satisfying. I've been reading "Are You There God? It's Me Margaret." Oh my goodness! Why didn't someone give me this books when I was between the ages of 11 and 13. Besides just helping me through puberty, it would have helped me with my, then, struggle with God and Religion (at that age, I couldn't separate God from organized religion). I'm currently reading "Deenie" with great delight and I now know why Judy Blume has been popular all this time with children.

Read on, America, read on!

Next on my list:
Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen
A Parents Guide to Homeschooling
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L'Engle
My Cup Runneth Over by Whytock
The Italian Affair by Lauren Fraser
Bridge to Terabitha by Katherine Paterson
The Road to Oz by Frank Baum

Posted by Kiki Shoes at 4:40 PM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: October 22, 2005 4:54 PM EDT

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