Mood:
sadNow Playing: Kiki's Self Pity Party
I feel really fucking bad, but not in that suicidal bad way that I felt in 2000-2001. I feel like I need an extreme change. I want to burn all my clothes and shoes. I want to cut off all my hair. I want to lose 100 lbs (that is not a typo I weight 215 lbs and summers are torture because humidity doesn't like big and round). I feel stressed all of the time. I need more money. I need more time at home. I don't like my work schedule. I don't like coming home at 10 o'clock two nights a week. I need a day to myself. I need my eyebrows waxed and my chin waxed and a decent pedicure. I'm angry because a work five days a week and, soon, sometimes six. I'm married with a child, but I might as well be single and childless for all the time I don't see them.
I miss my friends. I miss my old drinking pals from my old job. How can I say what I'm feeling without being judged as being overdramatic or overreactive or a bad mother because this what I should expect? not even the brightest lipstick can make me feel pretty anymore. I'm mad because I'm in the same financial situation I was in ten years ago, but it hurts more because I make twice as much.
I don't know how to cut corners and still make life bearable. Would my life be fun if I got rid of cable completely? Or cut our grocery bill in half by eating egg noddles and kidney beans (although egg noddles with butter is really tasty) every night for dinner or generic Tasty Os and Corn Flakes for breakfast? Should I go back to drinking regular milk that makes me sick because lactose free soy milk costs nearly $4 for a half gallon?
I work in a library but I don't get to read. I want to but I can't.