Mood:  irritated

Yours truly, Ms. Kiki, has never been in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship. I have never had a man hit me or threaten to hit me even when I was a high school rough neck taunting one of my mortal boy enemies. I don’t know what it is to be a victim like that, but I do know a handful of girls/women who have been. My hearts go out to them. As I’ve become a mother to two daughters, my stomach boils with anger whenever I hear about child abuse, domestic violence, or relationship abuse on the news. I would like to believe that my husband and I will raise our girls with enough self-esteem, self-awareness, and self-defense skills to not get caught up in one of these relationships, but I can’t predict the future.

I dislike teenage boys who grab on girls’ arms, butts, or hair like it is public property or some weird form of caveman flirting. I loathe men who hit women. I hate men who rape or beat little children or women. They are beneath the dog shit on the ground. I wouldn’t spit on an abuser if he was burning in my living room, and I believe myself to be a generous and kind-hearted Christian.

Nearly two years ago at work, I got between a young man who was accosting a young woman. When I asked her if she wanted to go with that man, she said “no.” I wrapped by big plus-size body around her frail little body and proceeded to drag her away from him. He, also a skinny little punk, grabbed her bag and wouldn’t let go. I witness before God that I used all my strength to pull that girl into my building with that asshole hanging on. This whole time, no more then ten minutes, nobody tried to intervene or help. I yelled at a passerby to call the cops on his cell phone because the girl didn’t want to with this boy. Once he confirmed that, he started to dial. It was then that the boy let her go. (Punk ass.) Eventually, we got inside of my job and waited for the police. I saw that she had a busted lip and a hospital bracelet on her wrist—she was released that morning from a beating he had given her the night before.

As we waited for the police, I called a domestic violence shelter that agreed to take the women in. (She was homeless, had not family in this city, and was living with her boyfriend because she had no where else to go. The welfare agency was working with her to get her section 8 housing and vocational classes—her going to school was the cause of this most recent fight.) Long story short, a few weeks later she came back to the library looking for me. She thanked the safety officers who had helped her, and wanted to thank me. She knew she was in a bad situation, but she didn’t know how bad until someone intervened to help her.

That’s what we need people. We need more people to risk reputation or a few cuts and bruises to protect those who are getting their asses beat by weak men. If someone would ever put their hands on my daughters and I wasn’t there, I hope to God someone would try to help them.

This whole post is a reaction to the alleged beating of Rihanna by R&B singer Chris Brown. It’s been a stone laying heavily in my stomach for the past two weeks. I’ve been hearing all sorts of rumors justifying this beat down, like she gave him an STD or that she slapped him first for cheating with another girl or that they were drunk/high. PEOPLE, PEOPLE, PEOPLE, PEOPLE, there is no justification ever for abusing someone you love. If you’re in an abusive relationship, get out even if that means sneaking out the window in your underwear. If you’re abusing someone, go get help.

Assistance:

http://www.ndvh.org/

The National Domestic Violence Hotline

Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services. If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm

Help, Treatment, Intervention, and Prevention

If you live with someone who abuses you or if someone is stalking you, you need to take immediate measures to protect yourself. You’re in extra danger if your abuser or stalker talks about murder or suicide. You’re also in particular danger if you are thinking about leaving an abusive relationship.

• Know your abuser’s red flags. Be on alert for signs and clues that your abuser is getting upset and may explode in anger or violence. Come up with several believable reasons you can use to leave the house (both during the day and at night) if you sense trouble brewing.
• Identify safe areas of the house. Know where to go if your abuser attacks or an argument starts. Avoid small, enclosed spaces without exits (such as closets or bathrooms) or rooms with weapons (such as the kitchen). If possible, head for a room with a phone and an outside door or window.
• Be prepared to leave at a moment’s notice. Keep the car fueled up and facing the driveway exit, with the driver’s door unlocked. Hide a spare car key where you can get it quickly. Have emergency cash, clothing, and important phone numbers and documents stashed in a safe place (at a friend’s house, for example).
• Practice escaping quickly and safely. Rehearse your escape plan so you know exactly what to do if under attack from your abuser. If you have children, have them practice the escape plan also.
• Come up with a code word. Establish a word, phrase, or signal you can use to let your children, friends, neighbors, or co-workers know that you’re in danger and the police should be called.
• Make and memorize a list of emergency contacts. Ask several trusted individuals if you can contact them if you need a ride, a place to stay, or help contacting the police. Memorize the numbers of your emergency contacts, local shelter, and domestic violence hotline.
• Keep change and cash on you at all times. Know where the nearest public phone is located, and have change available so you can use it in an emergency situation to call for help. Also try to keep cash on hand for cab fare.

Additionally, to keep yourself safe from domestic abuse and violence you should document all abuse. If you’ve been injured, take photographs. If you have been abused in front of others, ask witnesses to write down what they saw. Finally, don’t hesitate to call the police if your abuser has hurt you or broken the law. Contact the police even if you just think your abuser might have broken a law. Assaulting you, stealing from you, and destroying your property are all crimes.

Domestic Violence Escape Kit

• Money for cab fare
• A change of clothes
• Extra house and car keys
• Birth certificates
• Driver’s license or passport
• Medications and copies of prescriptions
• Insurance information
• Checkbook
• Credit cards
• Legal documents such as separation agreements and protection orders
• Address books
• Valuable jewelry
• Papers that show jointly owned assets

Conceal it in the home or leave it with a trusted neighbor, friend, or relative. Important papers can also be left in a bank deposit box.

Source: U.S. Department of Agriculture, Domestic Violence Awareness Handbook

Do not feel falsely secure with a restraining order!

You are not necessarily safe if you have a restraining order or protection order. The stalker or abuser may ignore it, and the police may do nothing to enforce it. To learn about restraining orders in your area, call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or contact your state's Domestic Violence Coalition.